What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 06:13
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
This is soul school!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We all went to grammer schools
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do some mothers hate their daughters especially when they're the eldest?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Will friendly dogs protect their owners?
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I don,t even have a pension.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Who then, do I blame.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot live in the past .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What did i know ?
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I said to her
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im still living with it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He knew the spot.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.